Gone Fishing
by Prisoner Len
Summary: A day on the lake should be the perfect way to spend time with one's significant others. If they weren't afraid of zombies and weren't trying to kill each other. Who even LIKES fishing? Very light ASGZC; oneshot.


Ah, fishing.

Man's greatest pass time. Right after baseball, football, basketball, golf, and most other sports. Sitting out on a lake, casting a line, and waiting for something to bite. Relaxing, getting a sunburn, getting soaked by nasty fish water, and spending time with your friends. Waking up early, breathing in the fresh air, telling each other dirty jokes, and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes. Fighting with fishing poles, tackle boxes, and the aquatic rats known as fish. A great time for anyone, right?

Fucking wrong.

On one of the hottest days of the year, _someone_ had decided it would be great idea to take a trip out into the middle of a lake. Somebody who thought it would be awesome to spend their time peacefully out on the open waters. Someone who somehow thought they would enjoy it, and it would be even the slightest bit "peaceful".

Someone with silver hair and eyes eerily similar to a cat's.

That someone was General Sephiroth.

And for Sephiroth, fishing meant squeezing three fully grown men and two teenagers onto a little boat, getting it out into the middle of a lake while keeping one eye on one teenager and one angry man, and figuring out how the hell he was going to put a wiggling worm onto a hook. Because he had never gone fishing in his entire life, and somehow thought everything would work out fine.

Did he mention doing this at five in the morning? Because it was five-fucking-AM, and Genesis was grumpy as hell. And making a rather serious effort at shoving Zack off of the boat and into the probably disease-ridden water.

Probably a bit _too_ serious; the redhead was pushing Zack closer and closer to the edge of the boat.

"Genes—" Sephiroth started quickly, jumping to his feet and making a grab for the raven-haired SOLDIER's arm.

Unfortunately, that was a completely _terrible_ idea.

Because if you're on a boat in the middle of a lake with four other men, quick, sudden movements tend to rock the vessel.

And rock it did—rather violently—and both redhead and raven-haired teen toppled overboard—Zack screaming bloody murder, and Genesis swearing the whole way. Cloud watched with wide eyes, mouth agape, without a doubt wondering if his elder lovers would wake the zombies living on the bottom of the lake with all of their screaming. Yes, zombies living inside the lake. Cloud had somehow gotten it in his head that there were zombies living at the bottom of Lake Midgar. More than likely, it had something to do with Zack or Genesis. Probably the latter. Either way, it had taken a good thirty minutes to coerce the blonde to climb onto the boat, and when he finally did, he'd clung to Sephiroth the entire time.

With a loud splash, they hit the water. Sephiroth slammed his face down into the palm of his hand and pinched the bridge of his nose. Angeal shook his head, and Cloud immediately leaned forward and grabbed for Genesis, looking straight down at the murky water with wide eyes.

"_Cloud_, stop that." Sephiroth snapped, snatching the blonde and pulling him closer.

Because, _honestly_, with their luck Cloud would fall in and spend the rest of the trip freaking out every time he heard a splash—if he didn't have a heart attack from being inside the, as he had called it, "zombie-infested water pit of _death_". At this point, his fear of water zombies was bigger than his fear of closets.

Angeal reached over the side and grabbed Zack by the back of his shirt, dragging him back onto the boat, where he stood gasping and dripping wet on a boat in the middle of a lake at half past six in the morning. Genesis slapped Angeal's hand away and climbed onto the boat himself, shivering and glaring at the teen through angry blue-green eyes.

And all hell broke loose.

He lunged at Zack, knocking him flat on his back on the floor of the boat, and sending it into another rampage of rocking back and forth. Sephiroth jumped forward, grabbing at the redhead's arms and yanking him harshly away from the teen before he could actually do any damage.

And promptly elbowed Cloud, who stumbled back, hit the back of his knees of the side of the boat, and was flung overboard.

With a scream that really _could_ wake the dead.

"They're going to get me!" he shrieked, flailing his arms around like a moron, and apparently forgetting how to swim in his fear.

Because clearly, screaming at the top of his lungs was the perfect way to ensure no zombies in the vicinity would go after him. Splashing the lake water all over the place was definitely going to help the matter as well.

Sighing, Angeal once again reached over the side of the boat, and snatched up one of his lovers. He set Cloud down in the middle of the boat, and the blonde stood there with his eyes as wide as can be and focused solely on the lake surface. Shivering. And working his mouth wordlessly.

"Cloud?" Sephiroth ventured, gripping the teen's shoulder.

Blue eyes snapped to him, and Cloud let out a loud gasp. "Seph, the _zombies_! They tried to grab my fucking _foot_!" he yelped, his voice growing louder with each word.

Sephiroth slowly turned his head to cast a narrow-eyed glare over his shoulder at Zack and Genesis—who were both staring back with the such innocent looks on their face that the General wanted to shove them back into the lake. Because there was no way in hell they were innocent; he had _heard_ them holding their conversation about the fucking "zombies of Lake Midgar". And now Cloud was terrified of _water_, on top of his fear of soap, toothpicks, and mops. He _really_ didn't need anymore fears added onto his already ridiculous list.

"You're both _dead_." he hissed to his two lovers, then turned back to Cloud and smiled warmly. "Cloud, baby, there aren't any zombies in the lake."

"But Genesis said—"

"_Genesis_," Sephiroth gritted out with the same smile plastered to his face. "Is a lying piece of shit who's going to wake up _dead_ tomorrow."

Probably not the best thing to say to someone already afraid of nonexistent lake-dwelling zombies. Cloud's eyes widened even further, and he stumbled backwards in a rush, slamming into Angeal and clinging to him. With yet another sigh, the man wrapped one arm around the teen and ruffled his blonde spikes. He planted a kiss on the top of his youngest lover's head and murmured, "Seph's not going to kill them, Cloud."

Wide blue eyes turned up to look at him. "…Are you sure?"

Sephiroth sighed and crouched before the blonde, gripping his chin and kissing him on the cheek. "I'm not going to kill anyone." he reassured in a hushed tone before kissing him on the cheek. "Can we _please_ just fish now?"

With that, he swiftly moved for the pile of fishing poles; he handed one to Angeal, then to Genesis. He paused for a long, _long_ moment before giving Zack one—because gods knew what the hell he'd do with it when Sephiroth had his back turned—and then gave even _more_ thought to giving Cloud one. He examined the blonde, who was making grabby hands at the pole and pouting up at him with wide blue eyes. Honestly, he was kind of shocked. Cloud was afraid of pens, shaving, and getting shampoo in his eyes. And yet he wanted to handle a fishing pole with an exposed hook on it. Maybe Cloud was _finally_ facing his fears. He shrugged and gave one to the teen, then sat down and stared at the bucket of worms they had on board. Three bodies crept closer and peered into the bucket, their faces a mix of disgust, amusement, and confusion.

"Do we just… shove them on the hooks?" Zack ventured, reaching in and picking a wiggling worm up.

Cloud paled and stared at the worm in his boyfriend's hand in fear. "W-We have to t-touch them?"

Alright, so Cloud wasn't quite over his fear of worms.

"Well, _duh_." Genesis answered, rolling his eyes and grabbing a worm. He rammed it onto the hook, slammed his soaking wet self down on a bench, and cast the line out into the lake.

He then sat there and glared at his fishing line with such immense hatred, that Sephiroth was momentarily afraid that it would burst into flames. He tugged on Cloud's fishing pole, slipped a worm onto the hook, and then tossed the line out. The teen stood there, uneasily staring at the lake water for a moment. They all watched him, as though his next action decided their very fates—which it did, sort of; if Cloud had a panic attack over holding a fishing pole with a worm attached to it, they'd have to head home or he'd end up hurting himself. Slowly, the blonde sank down onto the bench next to Genesis, warily eying water and waiting for a zombie to come flying out.

"You'll protect me if a zombie shows up, right?" he whispered, shuffling closer to the redhead.

Genesis nodded, a toothy, humored grin on his face.

And the asshole boyfriend of the year award most definitely went to Genesis, for successfully convincing one Cloud Strife that there were zombies living in Lake Midgar.

A collective sigh came from Zack, Sephiroth, and Angeal, and they each hooked their worms and cast their lines before piling onto the bench opposite Genesis and Cloud. Sephiroth smiled to himself; once they'd finally gotten settled, it was kind of peaceful. The sun was out now, the breeze was gentle, and Cloud didn't seem ready to swim to shore. Alright, so he wasn't _really_ expecting the blonde to climb into zombie-water just to escape fishing, but Cloud didn't seem too bothered by the activity. Maybe it hadn't been such a terrible idea after—

"Because your love is my drug!" Zack suddenly shouted, his voice echoing across the still lake, while bobbing his head back and forth. "I said your love, your love, your love is my drug!"

Four pairs of eyes slowly turned to the raven-haired teenager.

And just _stared_.

"What?" he asked innocently, cocking an eyebrow.

"What the _fuck_ are you singing?" Genesis snapped, a scowl already in place.

Zack shrugged, raising the other eyebrow. "I don't know. I heard it on the radio yesterday."

And just like that, he returned to fishing, acting as though he hadn't just blurted the lines to some crappy pop song while sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake. Genesis dragged long, slender fingers over his face, shaking his head slowly. Sometimes, Sephiroth really wondered if Zack was alright—not physically, but _mentally_. Zack had a habit of doing questionable things. Like licking the inside of Angeal's freezer. After they managed to free his tongue from its icy prison, he had told them that he only wanted to know what the ice on the inside of a freezer tasted like.

Because, you know, it might not taste like _water_.

They watched him for awhile longer, then turned back to their lines. Peace settled over the group once again, broken only by some bird that was making the most obnoxious sound Sephiroth had ever heard; it sounded like a car alarm being skullfucked by a bear. He glared at his fishing line, forcing the noise out of his head. And just as he had finally drowned it out with reciting Loveless page by page (thank you very much, Genesis), he came to the somewhat exciting realization that something was tugging on his line—

"Caught in a bad romance!" he bellowed, throwing his head back.

And scaring the shit out of both Angeal and the fish that may have been about to bite. The man jumped a good foot into the air, dropping his pole, and gripping the side of the boat with one hand. The other hand flew to his chest and he whirled around to stare at Zack, eyes wide.

"Zack, quiet!" Cloud shushed, waving one hand at the teen. "You'll wake up the zombies!"

Zack quite honestly didn't hear him over his own singing. "I want your love, and all your lover's revenge!"

"Zackary _fucking _Fair, shut the hell up!" Genesis roared, hitting Zack with the end of his fishing pole.

Logically speaking, swinging a fishing pole with a hook on it around was not a good idea—in fact, it usually ended in—

Cloud dropped his fishing pole, and watched the hook fly forward and catch Sephiroth's arm, little worm still wiggling on it.

And touching the bloody hook hole.

If there was a porn for stuff Cloud was afraid of, then he was watching a worm have an orgy in his lover's blood.

Dead silence encased the group, all eyes on Sephiroth—who was glaring at Genesis. He yanked the hook from his arm, and threw it back into the lake; blood dripped onto the floor of the boat, and Cloud stared at it in wide-eyed, open-mouth fear.

And then he started screaming.

"Zombies!" he wailed, yanking napkins from his pocket and lunging for the blood. "The zombies, Seph! They want your blood!"

It took all of five seconds for Sephiroth to stand up, grab Genesis, and throw him into the lake—or it would have, if Cloud hadn't accidentally tripped him. With a grunt of surprise, the Great General Sephiroth toppled over the side of the boat and hit the water face-first. He surfaced, gasping for air, just in time to hear Genesis and Zack let out loud guffaws of laughter. Cloud was holding a bloody napkin, and Angeal was already reaching for him. He gripped his friend and lover's arm and hauled himself back onto the boat, looming over Genesis and glaring down at him.

"You have two choices." he warned in a hiss. Cloud dabbed at the blood on his arm, making an honest attempt at pulling them both further from the water. "You can either sit there and fucking _fish_," he growled, narrowing his cat-like green eyes. "Or you get in the water, swim back to shore, and wait in the truck for the next five hours."

"But the zombies—"

"Sharks." Zack happily corrected Cloud.

The blonde frowned, looked at Zack, then squinted at the water. "B-But you said _zombies_ lived in the lake!"

"It's actually both." Genesis added with a wide grin.

Sephiroth slapped the man so hard upside the head that it actually _echoed _across the lake. Genesis rubbed his temple and glared grumpily up at Sephiroth, then crossed his arms and pouted at Zack. Fishing was quickly turning into a complete disaster. It was becoming more and more obvious that the five of them couldn't do anything together without arguing or somebody getting hurt—though this was going much more smoothly than their visit to the zoo the past week. They weren't even allowed in anymore, thanks to Zack and his fascination with the giraffes. Although, to be perfectly honest, there probably should have been a sign saying not to try to ride them.

"You know what?" Sephiroth sighed, rubbing his eyes. "I'll just turn the boat around, and we can go home. Obviously we can't do _anything_ together."

He moved to the little motor on the boat, but Genesis and Cloud grappled onto him like leeches. He sighed again and regarded them with a raised eyebrow. And then Zack latched onto him, and Angeal and leaning over the raven-haired teen to kiss him on the lips. And just like that, they all sat down, picked up their fishing poles, recast, and looked at him expectantly. He blinked, looked at each other them, and then slowly sank down between Genesis and Cloud. He draped one arm around Cloud, and Genesis scooted a little closer, elbowing him playfully in the side.

"This doesn't mean I like fishing, though." Angeal spoke up after a moment.

Genesis snorted, then burst into laughter, quickly followed by the rest of the group. Because honestly, nobody liked fishing; there was absolutely no fun to be had in sitting there, throwing a line, and waiting. Especially not for Zack or Genesis, who both had absolutely no patience. Unfortunately, Cloud was now terrified of lakes. He made a mental note to sit the teen down and explain to him that zombies didn't exist. He allowed a small smile to form; they were quiet, and not arguing for once.

"We should do this weekly." Cloud commented. Then he frowned at the water. "…At a different lake."

"I hate fishing." Sephiroth suddenly laughed. "I hate sitting in a boat, and I hate waiting for something to go after this damn worm." He shrugged and cocked an eyebrow. "Maybe we should do something else next weekend."

"Can we hike Mount Nibelheim?" Zack asked excitedly, bouncing in his seat.

And all Sephiroth could imagine was the teen somehow shoving Cloud off the side of a cliff, or hurling himself off of a waterfall. Or playing tag with a bear, or pissing off a group of squirrels.

"Absolutely not." Sephiroth and Angeal chorused.

Maybe fishing wasn't that bad of an idea after all—especially if it came down to that, or taking Zack on a hike.

* * *

><p><strong>This was written because honestly? I fucking hate fishing. And I mean hate.<strong>

**Credit for the car alarm bird goes to underhandlilies. The bear and skullfucking was me.**

**Obviously, I don't own "Your Love Is My Drug" or "Bad Romance". They belong Ke$ha and Lady Gaga respectively, and their record labels.  
><strong>

**And... yup, that's about it. Thank you for reading. Leave me a review?**


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